


When I Can

by ununoriginal



Category: GLAY
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-01-27
Updated: 2001-01-27
Packaged: 2017-12-14 09:43:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ununoriginal/pseuds/ununoriginal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fool enough to almost be it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Can

_< Fool enough to almost be it_   
_Cool enough to not quite see it Doomed_   
_Pick your pockets full of sorrow_   
_And run away with me tomorrow June >_   
  
**Jiro:**

“Come join Glay, Jiro. Be our bassist. Trust me, someday, we’re gonna be so big.”

I’d believed him. I’d always believed him. He had that in him, that quality that made him so reassuring, so dependable. That he would somehow make everything he said come true.

I quarrelled with my father – he labelled me as an unfilial, worthless son. My mother didn’t dare to protest. Only my sister stood by me, giving me silent encouragement. It was four years later, when Glay went major, that my father would speak to me again.

I had no idea then that it was what would happen as I left with him that day. But I had faith. For once, the summer sun had come out from hiding, and the Hokkaido sky was a bright, fathomless blue.

 

_< Well try to ease the pain_  
 _But somehow well feel the same_  
 _No one knows where our secrets go >_  
  
The early years went by fast. I never knew that it was possible to experience the heights of heaven and the depths of hell at the same time.

With every performance, every live, we garnered more fans and got that much closer to fame. It all seemed so within reach as the days passed. We – all of us, staff and members alike – were caught up in the wave crest of his vision and carried inexorably forward. The confidence within him radiated outwards and infused all of us.

It was a wonderful time. I thought heaven had descended to earth when I heard our music fill the vast halls and my name – the band’s name – roaring in my ears. Part of me died each time, attaining nirvana.

Yet ironically, I was also in hell. Cast there by the one person who bestowed me heaven. Hell was when I was too young and too naïve to comprehend that the universe did not revolve around me. Hell was when I got drunk once too often so I could bolster my courage to voice that little, precious phrase into which all human emotion is distilled. Hell was when all my efforts were ignored, time and again, brushed off but never put down. Leaving me with that tiniest bit of hope that I could try again. Hell was living with, seeing day in day out, an angel with a demon’s granite heart.

In the end, Hell was deciding I was too tired to try anymore, that I had to give up and move on, relinquishing all those ‘what-if’s’, consigning them to a no-man’s land.

 

_< I send a heart to all my dearies_  
 _When your life’s so so dreary Dream_  
 _I’m rumoured to the straight and narrow_  
 _While all the harlots of my peril Scream_  
 _I fail but when I can I will_  
 _Try to understand that when I can I will >_  
  
They came, they went. I lost count of the numbers. Whenever we had a chance for a break, I tried to get together with someone. And sometimes, sometimes, I even got them into the bedroom. But then the voices I’d suppressed for so long would start their cacophony.

“It’s not what you truly want…”  
“How can you be so foolish?”  
“If he finds out, there goes ANY chance you could possibly have…”  
“How can you betray him like that?…”

They never lasted past a week.

Yet I could not stop. I had to go on. I was trying to claw out of Hell. There was no path for retreat.

 

_< Mother weeps the years I’m missing_  
 _All the time can’t be given back_  
 _Shut my mouth and strike the demons_  
 _That cursed you and your reasons_  
 _Out of hand and out of season_  
 _Out of love and out of feeling so bad >_  
  
I thought I’d hit rock bottom, but it turned out to be quicksand, slowly sucking me in, gradually suffocating me.

He was in such a beautiful mood that day. And for the millionth time, I thanked Kami-sama that I met him. Then he opened his mouth, and spoke the words that utterly shattered my heart.

“Nanase has agreed to be my girlfriend.”

It took an entire day for the words to sink in. And cruelly – god, so cruelly – while the wound was still so fresh with dripping blood, she came to visit him at the studio.

I had to leave. There was no way I could keep a firm enough grip on my emotions and sanity if I remained. I needed to get out, away from the building, the entire city itself.

Teru returned with me to Hokkaido on that secret two-day trip. He was one of the rare few who knew of my feelings. I must have looked ghastly that fateful day – he seemed so worried he was close to tears. Dear, sweet Teru…

So many year of longing, yearning, pining… all blown to the wind, gone down the drain, never to be…

 

_< But when I can I will_   
_Words defy the plan but when I can I will >_

Is the world a better place when all hope has finally gone? My wounds no longer bleed, they merely ooze pus, leaving me with a constant dull ache, reminding me of my loss. But maybe that is more bearable and I can finally pick up the pieces of my life and move on.

Acknowledge that I can never go back to the way I was before all this. That although I’ll probably improve with time, it will never ever be the same again.

Content myself with the little things. Smile because he is smiling, even if it’s not at me. Laugh because he is happy, and by extension, I should be too.

It’s time for me to move on.

 

  
  
_< Fool enough to almost be it_   
_And cool enough to not quite see it_   
_And old enough to always feel it_   
_I’m always old I’ll always feel this >_

  
**Takuro:**  
  
He’s beginning to look better, healthier these days. There’s more of a glow in his face, a returning sparkle to those eyes.  
  
I feel great relief.  
  
I did not expect my announcement to impact so greatly on him. It was merely a favour asked of me by Nanase and her producer to cover up their not-so-appropriate relationship. Agreeing wasn’t one of the wisest things I’d ever done, but I was half-drunk then.  
  
Remorse sliced through me, twisting more painfully than any blade after I realised the inadvertent damage I’d done. I don’t think I will ever really forgive myself for what I did.  
  
Not only over Nanase. But over the years.  
  
“To achieve great things, you have to sacrifice.”  
  
And I’d always sworn by that phrase. Sacrificed so much – food, shelter, security, further education, money… and love. All offered to up to the altar of fame and fortune that that is Glay.  
  
It was worth it, still worth it. I knew I had a vision, but I did not know it would expand even beyond my original aims.

  
  
_< No more promise No more sorrow_   
_No longer will I follow_   
_Can anybody hear me I just want to be me_   
_And when I can I will >_

  
He’s getting married next month.  
  
And now, my retribution has descended upon me, drawing me into its infinite fiery depths.  
  
I’m so tired, exhausted really, of having to be the strong one all the time. Mirroring his actions two years ago, I stealthily leave for Hokkaido. But unlike him, I go alone.  
  
It was my choice, this path I’ve travelled. I fulfilled my promise, to so many, countlessly many – Glay is big, so big.  
  
And I don’t have to worry over him anymore. Someone else will take care of him now, someone far more qualified than I to do so.  
  
Even if she will never love him as much as I do.  
  
“Aishiteiru, Jiro…”  
  
Can he hear me, I wonder?…  
  
***

  
_Fool enough to almost be it_  
Cool enough to not quite see it  
Doomed  
Pick your pockets full of sorrow  
And run away with me tomorrow  
June  
We'll try and ease the pain  
But somehow we'll feel the same  
Well, no one knows  
Where our secrets go  
I send a heart to all my dearies  
When your life is oh so dreary  
Dream  
I'm rumored to the straight and narrow  
While the harlots of my perils  
Scream  
And I fail  
But when I can, I will  
Try to understand  
That when I can, I will  
Mother weep the years I'm missing  
All our time can't be given  
Back  
Shut my mouth and strike the demons  
That cursed you and your reasons  
Out of hand and out of season  
Out of love and out of feeling  
So bad  
When I can, I will  
Words defy the plan  
When I can, I will  
Fool enough to almost be it  
And cool enough to not quite see it  
And old enough to always feel this  
Always old, I'll always feel this  
No more promise no more sorrow  
No longer will I follow  
Can anybody hear me  
I just want to be me  
When I can, I will  
Try to understand  
That when I can, I will  
\----Smashing Pumpkins, 'Mayonnaise'


End file.
